And Jimmy Hoffa died peacefully of natural causes. I even know where he's buried.
Doesn't it strike you as odd that this game mysteriously wasn't televised? This matchup between two teams from two of the best conferences in the country couldn't find a single cable network or local station willing to stick a few broadcasters and a camera guy in Sun Devil Stadium for a couple of hours. You're telling me that every single outlet in the country passed on the chance to carry an offensive shootout worthy of a midnight tilt between Hawaii and BYU. And this is the game Carolina supposedly won. Convenient.
I hear there was a radio feed, but I know a lot of football fans, and I haven't talked to a single one who stayed up to hear the broadcast. Sure, several dozen of you will now email me to say that you, of course, listened to the game on your local radio affiliate, and what kind of UNC sports journalist am I if I wasn't listening along.
Wake up, people. Woody Durham and Mick Mixon--if those are their real names--are just voices on the radio. Ever hear of "War of the Worlds"? Radio people like to make stuff up. They're tricky that way. Come to think of it, I haven't met many of you email people in real life either.
Since we're being honest with each other now, I'm not so sure about this John Bunting character. Sure, he looks and sounds an awful lot like that John Bunting that played here in the 1970s. But there's something funny there. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but now it's clear. I mean seriously, you and I both know that no Tar Heel football coach takes his team 2,000 miles across the country and steals a win from the Pac-10 in October, especially not after looking so awful at home the week before. You sure as heck don't lead your guys to wins in two tough road contests after dropping three home games.
We must be talking about some kind of alien kidnapping situation. Well, Earth to aliens. Next week the Tar Heels get North Carolina State. And all I can say is that you'd better not try any funny business. I'll be watching this one. I'll even set my VCR, so if you try any of that alien mind trick stuff, I'll be able to see it. You can always tell the alien mind trick stuff. Your television gets fuzzy for a second, then fades out, and then the Tar Heels who were down two touchdowns start sacking Philip Rivers and rattling off scoring drives of their own. That's the way this stuff works. It's the only explanation.
Now, if you will excuse me, the FBI is on the phone. They want to talk about that Hoffa thing.
You can email Mark at firstname.lastname@example.org.